Monday, March 13, 2006

Feng Shui



It's sort of sad how a "television event," such as tonight's Sopranos season premiere, can cause New Yorkers to spend an unseasonably warm Sunday evening at home in front of the tv instead of going outside and actually, you know, doing something. This explains why the city was a total dead zone after 8:00 pm tonight. The only people out were the cabbies, the cops, and the garbage men, as well as a few random stragglers and tourists.

The Hustler Club (shown above) certainly had good reason to be closed, and there was a strange absence of shady characters outside the Port Authority Bus Terminal. I guess everyone, including the regular strip-club patrons, the loiterers, and the homeless, managed to find their way to a cable-equipped television tonight.



Notable events of the night: Not many actually. I got stuck for 20 minutes on Mott Street (seen above) and renewed my utter and complete hatred of New Jersey and its "drivers." They are usually the ones to blame for my traffic woes, especially this evening, with Holland Tunnel traffic on Canal overflowing on all possible side streets. If I were king, I would close the tunnels completely and say good riddance.

When I finally got out of this mess, I picked up a Feng Shui instructor who was visiting from San Francisco. Feng Shui is the Chinese art of placement, which means that where you put stuff in your house is important and helps with your "flow," or something like that.

We started talking and I said, "I read somewhere that if you put money in the northeast corner of every room in your house, it's supposed to increase your money flow. Is that true?" He replied, "Actually, it would be the southeast corner, since the sun rises in the southeast and has the most energy and pull in the morning. And you should really only do it in a room where you pay the bills or take care of business. You can also use stuff other than money, basically anything that signifies abundance in your life."

I responded by saying, "Well, in my apartment, that would be cat hair." Then he said something that I didn't really catch but sounded like something to the effect of, "Yeah, that would [something inaudible] your pussy." I was a little taken off guard and just paused for a second before saying, "Um, what?" But I guess he didn't feel like clarifying because he just said, "I have a dog."

51 comments:

Pablo said...

I wonder what degree or training one might need to call themselves a Feng Shui instructor.

Ed B. said...

I remember seeing Feng Shui before.
Too bad it was on Penn & Teller's show Bullshit.

But I've got a money frog in the corner of my room. Hey, I need all the help I can get. :-P

Anonymous said...

cute, very cute. good attitude. can i have this dance, please...

Anonymous said...

yes, really? omg

jMon said...

Hey, this could be like a contest! A fill-in-the-blank contest! "That would _____________ for your pussy!"

Honey4evr said...

Started reading your blog a couple of days ago and enjoy it.

Out of idle curiousity, why would the Hustler Club have a reason to be closed?

Mimi said...

I am from Jersey and can actually drive! (No really...I swear...) I live in North Carolina now and am SCARED SHITLESS everytime I have to drive in Jersey. I won't get into a car with any of my Jersey friends and they are perfectly willing to let me drive since apparently I "drive like a southerner." I think I've always driven this way, though...

That being said...I know where you're coming from.

Anonymous said...

We are always closed on Sundays...
tis "the day of the lord" or something...

AJ said...

I happened upon your blog through an article online - And I must say I enjoy the humor and escape you provide. I've live my entire life in ND, rather mondane and uneventful needless to say - I love the NY perspective! :-) Thank you! ~aj

Anonymous said...

It is New Yorkers that can not drive to save their lives. Practically every car with a New York plate has damage to it. I wonder why? It's because they drive like they are on a suicide mission. I would like to close the tunnel as well. Keep all of the crime and pollution bottled up!!!

Lir said...

i <3 cats

Dave said...

hehe.. she said "pussy".. I love when you talk "dirty". :)

Great stuff as always.. thanks for the interesting read!

Empress said...

Try driving in Las Vegas. Try, being the operative word!

Good post as always!

Marty said...

I love your blog....and I agree about those 'jersey fucks' as I used to call them.

Anonymous said...

great photos.....i love the photos.....your blog is an escape for me....for a little minute i can be in New York City in the cab with my friend the hack.....thank you.........

AWE said...

It is hard to believe that NY can ever be that slow.

Dave said...

I grew up in Jersey and now live in Upstate NY and I agree that a lot of Jersey people can't drive but I hate getting lumped in with them. I know its hard to do but still Jersey is an awesome place ruined by a few assholes. But I'm sure people feel that way about NY as well so its all relative. Don't hate becuase of the plate!

And I agree with the person about driving in Las Vegas, its hell. Worse than NYC.

RickyZ said...

It's real torture getting stuck around that tunnel ain't it? ESPECIALLY if you're empty... I've been seeing a lot of PA plates and let me tell ya, those fuckers are worse... both times I had someone throw pennies at my window it was PA plates. How violent is that?

Cats rule! My boy Dizzy is the only thing keeping me together sometimes after 'one of those days.' I just got a new cell and I took his pic and made it wallpaper. Now I subject fares to looking at my pride-n-joy. Everyone agrees he's adorable. Of course they're probably afraid to disagree lest I drive up on the sidewalk~

Miss Ahmad said...

great photos! i miss the city and i missed all the great television last night. thank goodness for cabbies, now if i could just figure out which was the southeast corner of my living room i would really be in business!

Lugosi said...

Well, you know why all the New Jersey drivers hit the tunnel at the same time, don't you? They were trying to get home to watch "The Sopranos."

Anonymous said...

Fuck Feng Shui.... BBC

Eileen said...

High-larious story.

Girl Watcher said...

East is East and West is West. They are really diferent culturely and if you are open minded Feng Shui just might, just might make sense.

Bonnie said...

Found this on the net:

"Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of manipulating energy."

It says "ancient Chinese". Funny where all modern FS masters get their facts on where to place lights, blender, microwave, etc. LOL

KG said...

Hey
If I am in NY and want to be driven by the Hack is that possible?

And as a side comment does every new yorker have to have there fucking opinions heard? I am a midwest corn and beef raised boy, and I am sick as shit of hearing peoples opinon on everything in this town. Still love NY just wondering when I can get a moment to decide if the coffee is good or the weather is decent.

Lindsay said...

Are you the woman that had an article in the Style section of the Washington Post a few weeks ago? Based on your site traffic, I'd imagine so. That article was particularly interesting, as is your blog.

Anonymous said...

hey hack, wot type of camera are you using, make/model? gr8 pics

dad said...

Love your blog. I worked in NYC for over 30 years and enjoy your perspective. I commuted from NJ and now live in Port St. Lucie, FL where they make NY/NJ drivers look like they've been to etiquette school.

Anonymous said...

HEY I LIKE JMONS' IDEA. FILL IN THE BLANK WITH...
..._BE FROM SHAVING_...
SORRY IT WAS TOO TEMPTING.

YOU MIGHT TRY ADDING ON A SECONDARY PHOTO ALBUM FOR THE ONES WHO WOULD RATHER "LOOK AT THE PRETTY PICS" AND JUST GIVE EACH A SHORT CAPTION.

ANYWAY, LOVIN' THE SITE, KEEP ON CABBIN' %R

Anonymous said...

Surprisingly professional looking site. Better than some big name store sites. Someone commented that I missed my calling as a taxi driver, that or a fighter pilot. :)

By the way, that is Elizabeth Street - one block over from Mott Street. Mott Street is worse. I occassionally use that parking lot, otherwise I avoid that block like the plague between the hours of 6AM to 11 PM.

Stay safe.

theinebriantgrape said...

utterly hilarious

Daniel said...

Heya, MP:

Your mention of the Sopranos and a dead NYC night entry was picked up by curbed.com and from there you got mentioned by the great tvtattle.com!

right.blue.eye productions said...

always enjoyed your site, visit me @

poorlydrawn.blogspot.com

be good:dude

Girl Watcher said...

Hey did you get any overflow traffic bacause of the toilet paper spill by the 18 wheeler today 14 mar.

Anonymous said...

I used to live in NYC asa british expat.Loved it.Your site makes me happy.Great memories of the streets and the cabbies.Good pics too.Britpat

Daisy said...

So the Sopranos is that popular? I guess I should start watching it.

Anonymous said...

If you are in the southertn hemisphere, and go to the nw corner of your room, are you actually going to the se corner?

greg said...

I flew into LaGuardia earlier tonight and I hoped I'd get M.P. as my cab driver for the short trip home to Astoria. No such luck. :(

For what it's worth, I don't watch The Sopranos. Hell, I don't watch any TV anymore. When I waste time nowadays, I do it on the Web.

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jg said...

Oh, I totally enjoyed last Sunday night. When I was out walking the dog, I was thinking "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?? THIS IS GREAT!" Now I know. :)

tami said...

Just wanted to say, I love your blog. Been reading it for a few months now and just thoroughly enjoy it. I just read a bunch of random entries out loud to my boyfriend and attempted a New York accent while doing so. It was done to honor the spirit of your blog, but probably ended up with the opposite effect, since I can only do a voice that sounds like a male character from the Sopranos, or whatever other mobster movie/show. (I don't actually watch the Sopranos.) I mean, born, raised, and still living in the San Francisco Bay Area, I don't have huge experience with New York accents. (Although my mom is from Jersey, sorry. She is kind of a sucky driver, too, so there you go.)

Well, just wanted to say again that you are an awesome (now there's a CA word) writer. Thanks for the great mental - and physical - images and keep up the good work.

obakasan said...

well i don't believe feng shui....

that the way it is

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learningrx said...

Donald Trump used Feng-Shui expert, Master Pun-Yin.

Anonymous said...

Pls don't activate the Southeast sector for this year. You'd be activating the annual Sickness star (located in the SE this year) and that is not really a good thing.

I understand that there are a lot of versions of Feng Shui going on. The difference between New Age and Classical Feng Shui is that, Classical Feng Shui is dependant on Time, Location, Direction and Environment. And unlike the former, Classical Feng Shui works. A bit cliche I know, but a good sector for money will not remain a good sector for money forever.

Because of gooks like those who say that the sun rises in the Southeast, I am having a harder time than usual persuading people to using classical Feng Shui theories instead of 'place this here, good luck forever, place that there, new boyfriend tomorrow'. Boy, what wouldn't I give to shove their scented incense up their...

-- someone who works in the Feng Shui industry, and for once knows what she is on about

eyes on yer meter said...

book recommendation: *Fixer Chao* by Han Ong, a novel about a one-time Port Authority street hustler who becomes a fake Feng Shui expert catering to and scamming Manhattan's self-satisfied elite. it's worth reading and all about your city.

MJ06 said...

Stupid question but ill ask it any way
How often do the cabs in New York city get washed because they always look clean on the out side.

WizardList said...

Enjoying your writing and your pics are great, too.

If I see a cab driver taking photos in traffic, I will definitely hail you even if I don't need a cab!

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately right now anyone can call themselves a Feng Shui Consultant/Instructor and put up a web site...You'd do best to seek out someone who is Certified in the Art (though there are different levels of that as well) and find out how long they have been in practice.
IF you believe, which I do!!

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